Have you ever had a love that you wouldn’t quite reach? And I don’t mean by distance, but by the fact that both of you were in a relationship of sorts? Second lover – guilty for feeling love or blessed for having feelings in the first place? 

Have you ever been in love with someone that’s not your first choice, but your second one? Because I had.

It’s a weird type of love, where you are a little bit more than friends but not really lovers. With them you are your most honest self, you tell them things you don’t even tell your actual lover. They are your own walking diary, someone that knows your dirtiest secrets, the secrets we are afraid to tell, in fear of being judged and yet… they never seem to think differently about you.

Even so, the uglier you become by telling them all your hideous thoughts, the more they seem to love you. They accept all your filthy mistakes. They are the single person you never lie to, the single person that knows what you’re REALLY capable of.

Isn’t that a scary thought?

You’re almost reaching infidelity here. Or… are you? I mean, it really comes down to your definition of loyalty. You love your partner, you would give them the world, do almost everything for them. But you do still have the side dessert, the forbidden fruit. It’s almost like in order for your relationship to function perfectly you NEED this second lover in your life. This second person that knows things you cannot tell your lover. I wouldn’t call this person a best friend.

I would call them more like a… needed temptation. Worth it or not?

I would never actually cheat with this second lover physically, mind you. I am in a very stable, long relationship.

But I do like the flirting, the fire back and forth. The possibilities.

You probably thought of it as well.

Because we are humans. We are flawed in our very nature to think of other people, even when we are with someone that makes us happy. Society will tell you otherwise. That we are built to be monogamous. Sure we might be, but can’t one at least dream of a sin sometimes? Dream of saying yes to that annoying thought, asking you “What if?” you actually went through with it? You know very well what I’m talking about. But I never actually do it.

That is because I am afraid of the results of my misdeeds.

Is it worth it? The flirting, the adrenaline, the hunger of it. Is it really worth it? I wouldn’t answer you that. It’s a special kind of love. It’s romantic but yet there was never any physical interaction. So what would you call this? Emotional cheating? Maybe so.

The guilt…

This whole ordeal does come with a certain guilt. You feel disgusted by yourself of even thinking about it. I mean, here you are. Happy, in your dream relationship. Everything is just as you always wanted it to be. But sometimes after a few months pass and you have another heated, philosophical discussion with your side lover, your mind wanders off. I don’t think this need of a second person comes from the fact that your relationship might be lacking something.

I truly believe that thinking one human being can accompany all of your needs, is frankly, a very unrealistic thought.

We are a very diverse bunch and asking just one person to fit perfectly with you, to be your puzzle piece is really just not something one can do. We do need other people to fulfill different needs.

My thought is, that at the end of our day, no matter how loyal we are, all of us do have a second someone that we would call a second lover. Either it be something you call a best friend or anything of the sorts I’m pretty sure you had at least one dirty thought about them. The second lover – guilty for feeling love blessed for being a human being? I beg you to answer me. 

But I call it a second lover, a lover you will probably never be with, but a lover that knows you.

For who you are.